Who We Are Read online

  Soaking wet, out of breath and scared to death, Desire started to cry and sat down on the floor in a heap. Mama came to her side as Desire relayed the awful story between sobs.

  “Oh my, Papa will not be very happy.” Mama bowed her head. She breathed a heavy sigh and appeared to be thinking. Then she did something surprising. She calmly got up, sat down beside her and started to help Desire out of the clothes. Gathering the damp mess into a pile, she instructed Desire to go upstairs, clean herself up and get dressed.

  As Desire walked up the stairs, she heard the back door open and close. When she returned to the kitchen, Mama was not there, so Desire continued preparing the dinner that Mama had started. A short while later, Mama returned through the back door. In her hands, she held Desire’s stockings, shoes and the basket of vegetables that had been left behind at the creek. Mama wiped down the shoes and put them in the closet, and put the stockings in the laundry hamper. She then walked to Desire, took her by the shoulders gently and turned Desire to face her. “Well,” Mama said, looking Desire up and down. “You look perfectly fine now. I cannot even tell by looking at you that you had any sort of ordeal.” Mama kissed Desire on the forehead and gave her shoulders a squeeze. Then she picked up the basket of vegetables and handed them to Desire to prepare for dinner. No more words were spoken.

  When Papa got home that night, he seemed to be in an odd mood; self-righteous, perhaps. He came into the kitchen and gave Mama a big kiss on the cheek. Then with a big grin on his face, he turned to Desire and asked, “How was your day today?” Desire looked up at him. She tried not to tremble as she replied. “My day was fine, Papa. How was work today?”

  He grinned again. “My day was very interesting, actually.” He looked around the kitchen and took a deep breath in. “Is supper ready?” Mama nodded and set the table.

  Once all the dished were served, they sat down to eat and Papa said the blessing. “Dear God in heaven. Thank you for this bountiful meal that you have blessed us with. Thank you for sunshine that helps our crops to grow. You have blessed us and guided us in our daily pursuit of honesty, integrity and humility. We, at this table, honour you by our virtue and obedience to your teachings. I pray only that if any one of us should be tempted by the devil, that you will protect us and guide us back to your flock. Amen.” Papa lifted his head from prayer and looked at his wife and daughter with fury in his eyes. He stood up and shouted, “Do you two sinners really think I wouldn’t hear about the evil you engaged in while I worked so hard for you today?” He grabbed Mama by the hair and shoved her toward the stairs. “Get upstairs, woman.”

  Papa followed Mama up the stairs. Desire jumped a little in her seat when she heard the bedroom door slam. Then she heard Papa yelling, followed by a number of loud thuds and sharp slaps. Desire didn’t dare move. Fear washed over her, wondering what might happen to her.

  When Papa came downstairs, he grabbed Desire’s arm and practically dragged her out of the house. She knew where they were going and she was terrified. He half-dragged her across the centre of town and headed straight toward the church. They walked in and approached the Elder’s Table, fully occupied by eleven Elders and the Minister. The only empty chair, the twelfth, belonged to Papa. Papa stood her squarely before the table then took his place at the table.

  Within moments, Desire heard shuffling behind her. She did not need to turn around to see who it was. She knew that the whole town had been notified to come to the church as it was customary for community members to attend the church whenever one sinned or disobeyed a law to witness the confession and punishment. Desire felt so humiliated she thought she might die right there on the spot.

  How could I make them understand what really happened?

  The Minister instructed her to turn around so that she could watch the congregation enter and so that they could look into her sinning eyes. As the church filled, Desire could feel the heat of embarrassment flushing in her cheeks. She saw the girls from Bible Study enter with their families. When Constance walked up the aisle, Desire noticed the smug grin on her face.

  One of the last members to arrive was Johnny. Desire wondered if she imagined the look of concern on his face.

  Why should he feel anything? It’s his fault I’m standing up here. If he had minded his own business, none of this would have happened! The kids at school are right: Johnny IS a creep!

  Once everyone was seated, the Minister stood up. He declared: “We have before us a sinner. This young lady was tempted by the devil and followed his lead. It is our duty to bring this lost lamb back to our flock.”

  He then opened his Bible and read, “When a Lamb of God has knowingly disobeyed or sinned against the community, we have a responsibility to show them the error of their ways and lead them back on the path of righteousness.”

  He bowed his head and put his Bible to his ear. Only the Minister could speak directly to God, and it was God who would determine my penance. He looked out to the congregation. “People, I have heard God’s wishes for this child. She must confess her sin to us before she can be given penance and, ultimately, forgiveness.”

  Desire looked to the Minister with fear in her eyes. Though he was a kind-looking old man, Desire knew he had a heart of stone when it came to dishing out punishments.

  “This child has brought shame to her Papa’s good name. For that, she will be whipped publicly. She will receive no less than 15 lashes. She will then fast for an entire week, taking only water when necessary. During that week, this child will stand alone in the town centre so that we can all look into her sinning eyes and listen to her apologize to us in the community for disobeying the will of God.”

  The Minister paused to look at Desire with stony eyes and then turned back to the congregation to continue his fierce announcement. “Once this child completes her penance, all community members will be invited to meet again in this church to embrace this lost lamb and welcome her back into God’s good grace. Her sins will be forgiven and we will not speak of them again.”

  The Minister looked down at Desire and signaled to her to begin her confession. Desire’s shaking voice recounted the events of the afternoon. Throughout, the Minister called upon the neighbours who confirmed they saw her running home without stockings and shoes, and testified that Johnny called out to her from the edge of the forest.

  The Minister looked at Johnny and asked him to stand up. “Johnny, my son. At any time did Desire try to entice you to look at her or touch her while she was exposed?”

  Johnny was genuinely taken aback by the question, “No, Minister. I swear she did not. It was simply an unfortunate accident; that is all. I startled her and she fell over into the creek.”

  The Minister looked at Johnny doubtfully. “Hmm. Well, one might question why you found it acceptable to disobey and enter the forest as well. But we can assume that the allure of a young lady with no stockings was an understandable temptation any man might find difficult to deny.” Johnny tried to explain further, but the Minister dismissed him and instructed him to sit back down.

  The Minister turned his attention back to the entire congregation. “Desire’s mother, Mrs. Winthrop who is not with us tonight, made purpose to hide this indiscretion from her husband. This is a blatant breech of the husband-wife covenant. Elijah,” the Minister said, turning to Desire’s father at the Elder’s Table, “I understand you have passed sufficient punishment for this breach and I will trust that as a Church Elder, your punishment was suitable.” Papa nodded his head gravely. With that, the Minister dismissed the congregation and instructed them to gather at the centre of the town.

  When everyone arrived, Desire was asked to face the townsfolk. Papa removed his belt from his waist and whipped Desire fifteen times across the back. With each lash, Desire could feel her father’s anger and disappointment along with burning pain. Through the crowd, she could see Johnny watching with tears in his eyes.

  Desire collapsed after the last lash and the town’s people dispersed and headed
home. She stirred a little as Papa carried her home. He carried her upstairs and laid her on her bed. She looked into his eyes as he sat down beside her. “Desire,” he said softly. “Can you look me in the eye and tell me you are still pure?” She looked up at him curiously, “Papa I don’t know what that means.”

  He sighed and asked her, “Has a boy ever touched you on your body in a way that made you feel… pleasure?” Without thinking, Desire scrunched up her face, making a look of disgust. This reaction pleased Papa and he immediately looked relieved. “Desire, I must tell you that if you let a boy touch you, and it brings you pleasure, you will burn in hell for eternity. A good girl keeps her body well-clothed and free from manly touches or stares. If I ever find out that you have let a boy touch you or stare at you without your clothes on, I will beat you until I see the devil jump out of your skin. Do you understand?”

  Desire nodded through the tears welling in her eyes. Papa patted her head. “Be a good girl.”

  The rest of that week was utterly awful. Desire stood in the centre of town while all her friends and fellow community members passed by and looked at her with disappointment and disdain. Desire noted that Constance made a point of passing by several times a day, and could tell that Constance derived a sick pleasure from watching Desire suffer so publicly. Rather than concentrate on the community’s judgment of her, Desire focused on standing tall throughout the week not letting her hunger or fatigue show. When people walked by, she would them look them in the eye and state compellingly: “May God and the community forgive my sins. I am truly sorry and wish to be welcomed back into the church family.”

  One day, when Thomas and Noah, a couple of the church elders walked past, Desire heard Thomas utter, “I knew that this would happen. This child is not meant to live our life. Haven’t they got enough data to prove that?”

  Thomas’ words confused her as she watched them walk on.

  What does that mean? What proof?

  Desire only thought on it for a moment or two, as she was too hot, hungry, and humiliated to feel concerned for very long.

  By the end of the week, she felt pretty sure Papa feel proud of her. When they went back to the church at the end of the week, he held his head high and actually walked beside her down the aisle amid the congregation. At the front of the church, he took his place with the other Elders. The Minister declared. “According to God’s law, this child has repaid her sins. She has displayed reverence to God by abiding by his wishes. God spoke to me last night and advised me that this child is welcome back into His good graces. We will all stand now, surround this child and welcome her back into our family.”

  The congregation rose. Each church member filed out of their seat, row by row, approached the girl and stated, “Desire, we welcome you back in the covenant of our community. All is forgiven.”

  And that was that. All was forgiven and one’s sins not spoken of again once the punishments and penance, usually quite harsh, were completed. According to their Bible, if one has paid for their sins and feel truly sorry, they are washed cleaned. Desire acknowledged to herself that didn’t really feel sorry, as she didn’t believe she had done anything wrong. She only regretted that she got caught and that everyone had misunderstood the circumstances.

  Weeks later, Desire found herself standing in the kitchen in the church basement, disobeying Papa again. She wiped the bread crumbs off her mouth and finished making some tea for Tobias.

  Like all the girls in the community, Desire attended Bible Study. Bible Study ended promptly at eleven o’clock at which time young girls went home to prepare lunch for all the members of their families, except for the men. The men who went to work did not come home for lunch. Desire did not understand why since work was so close by. This was just another matter that Desire felt curious about but did not think too long on.

  Desire was expected home from Bible Study no later than ten minutes past eleven o’clock to help with chores. Mama had a very strict routine each day that Desire had to help her with. Today was laundry day. Right after breakfast, Mama would wash the clothes then hang them outside to dry in the sunlight and soak up the freshness from the air. After that, she would go upstairs to sweep and wash the floors, and make sure all the beds were crisply made. Then she would spend a few hours in her sewing room at the back of the house. The room’s many windows let sunshine filter in, which made it easier for her to complete her projects. Mama handcrafted all sorts of items. She made all of the clothes, beautiful quilts, curtains, tablecloths, and napkins. Desire was learning how to sew, but wasn’t as talented as Mama. Probably because sewing is so darned boring! Desire thought to herself. The only pleasure Desire got from sewing was the time she got to spend with Mama.

  Today after lunch, Mama told her they would spend the afternoon sewing together. She said there were no more chores for today until it was time to prepare dinner. Mama instructed Desire to make a pot of tea and bring it with some cookies into the sewing room. Desire boiled water while she cleaned the lunch dishes. Mama didn’t eat very much at all. Over the years, Desire noticed that when she was being punished, Mama rarely ate. But she also noticed that Mama’s jaw was swollen on the left side and was a purplish-red colour. Desire correctly guessed that this Mama’s penance for helping to cover up her daughter’s mischief.

  Desire brought the tray of tea and cookies into the sewing room as Mama was taking a half-finished quilt out of a large travel trunk. In no time, Mama set a section of the quilt in the frame. She then paused long enough to pour a cup of tea and wrap four cookies in a little napkin. She hesitated for a moment and looked out all the windows then went over to the trunk and pulled out the new head scarf Desire had been sewing. She handed the napkin with the scarf to the girl. “Desire, you sit here and work on your scarf with me.” She smiled at her daughter and proceeded to begin a row of perfectly executed quilting stitches.

  When Desire had finished her tea and cookies, she excused herself to go upstairs to her room. She opened the curtains that covered the very large window. There was so much sunlight she didn’t need to light a lamp. Sitting on the side of her bed she couldn’t help but wonder what was wrong with her.

  I am 15 years old and I know the rules yet sometimes I hear a little voice inside me that convinces me that what I actually want to do would be okay.

  Curiosity about the dense forest that surrounded the community had haunted her for as long as she could remember. One of the first lessons she remembers learning in school was about how lucky they were to be surrounded by the forest in Winthrop. They learned that the forest extended to the edges of the earth. They learned that the devil ruled the thick, dark forest and those who entered of their own free will invited the devil into their souls. Those who managed to elude the devil and make it through the forest would fall off the edge into the fiery pits of hell. The teachers at school would show them pictures of people burning up at the edge of the forest and falling into an abyss. The pictures were frightening. Any child caught letting curiosity get the better of them were punished severely.

  Secretly, Desire doubted these teachings. She had snuck into the forest many times and found the forest beautiful and peaceful. Years ago, she found another way into the forest. She followed the vegetable fields to the far end and came upon a place where thick bushes extended into the fields. She discovered that if she went behind the bushes, she could sneak into the forest unseen. The first time she did, she felt equally excited and terrified. Desire only spent about five minutes there and then scampered out breathless and anticipating being tossed into the fiery depths of hell.

  Desire dared to enter again. Each time, she stayed a little longer. When she decided that the forest was not an evil place, she began to sneak in every Wednesday and Friday when all the town ladies went to the church to prepare the community meal, followed by worship service and a community meeting. Since the community had 325 members, all the ladies were required to attend in order to prepare a meal that big. While their mothers were bu
sy cooking at the church, young children attended school and older children stayed home to complete their chores and manage the households.

  Desire used these few hours of unwatched time as her ticket to explore the forest without fear of being caught. After Mama left for church, Desire rushed out and picked vegetables as fast as she could. For a few glorious hours, she felt free as a bird soaring in the bright, blue sky. She would shed her heavy dress and shoes and run around, just exploring. She ran through the forest picking wildflowers and digging her toes into the cool, dark earth. She would wade through the creek and eat fresh berries right off the bushes. Sometimes she would lie on a patch of dewy grass, stare up at the sky, and wonder to herself.

  What is my purpose? Who was I supposed to be?

  The afternoons in the forest were her most cherished times. She felt free and alive with the sun’s warmth embracing her bare skin and the cool blades of grass tickling her bare feet. But as much as she loved these moments, a part of her always felt a little nervous.

  Is the devil watching me? Does the devil make me prance about in my underclothes?

  Although the answer may be ‘yes’, she knew that deep in her soul nothing so innocent and liberating could possibly be evil.

  Relishing the memories of her forest adventures, she set about finishing the stitching on her head scarf. Quickly bored with the stitch work, she laid down on her bed, in hopes that one of her dreams would come to her. She fell asleep conjuring up the beautiful Mammy in her dreams.

  Mammy was peeking over her bed and stroking her head. “Hello Angel. Did you have a restful nap?” She tickled Desire’s toes and lifted her into a soft, warm embrace.

  Chapter Two

  The community of Hemac is a family-centered community with strong Christian beliefs and strict rules. The older Desire became, the less this lifestyle appealed to her; not that she could do anything about it since there weren’t any other communities anywhere. Though most people in the community seemed content, Desire could not ignore what felt like an itch inside of her that signaled a craving for something more exciting. Her days were mundane with a routine set in stone for each day of the week: Bible study, chores and helping her mother keep the house in proper order. Occasionally, she had extra work to do at the church, such as cooking and planning celebrations, but those jobs got assigned to the grown women in the town.